I got this lovely comment a few days ago: 

Let me guess 

the next entry is about this guy next door conflict. You are really into this guy but giving blow jobs for $50 probably gets in the way of a relationship. Seriously this shit is so predictable.

Now, there’s a gross error in this guess. I make significantly more than fifty bucks a pop. My guess is that this guy is either angry that he himself has to pay for pussy or angry that a lowly little hooker who hasn’t yet earned a college degree still makes about twenty times what he does. Or maybe he’s just a lonely little man, and he’s lashing out at me because he has nothing better to do with his time than troll blogs and make nasty little know-it-all comments. I digress.

But the angry little man does have something right. My job does get in the way of a healthy, respectful relationship. I’m not saying it’s impossible, just very difficult. I think relationships should be balanced and fair. I’ve had many an argument about whether or not it’s morally right for an escort to be in a committed relationship, especially marriage. I think this job violates the definition of commitment, the foundation of marriage. Oh, so funny. A hooker arguing morals.

Now, while there are plenty of successful relationships with distinctly dominant and submissive partners, I am not solidly in either category. As such, I need an equal. This need for balance and equality creates a conflict for me. Because of my job, I would have to be shared sexually. At the same time, I don’t share well with others and I’d be upset at the idea of my partner fucking other girls outside of a professional context. On the flip side, I can demand monogamy on my partner’s part, but this, as I said, creates an imbalance. I don’t want my partner to feel “cuckolded.” Quite the dilemma. Of course, there’s the third option of quitting my job. Financial security kinda takes precedence over developing a relationship right now, though.

The angry little man is also right on a second count. “This shit” is predictable. Despite being a hooker, I am a human being. I’m a social creature. I take joy and solace in companionship. And I truly do miss having a relationship. I like cuddling. I like falling asleep next to someone I trust completely. Someone I’m attracted to, someone I’m passionate about. Someone I want to spend time with for free. I like waking up next to that same person. I like the giddiness that comes from the honeymoon phase and the peace and comfort that comes from settling down.

Another one of the writers suggested that I get into a relationship to maintain a common thread in my writing and lend more emotion to the stories. Apparently, if someone is torn apart by my job for the amusement and entertainment of strangers, it’s good shit. I laughed. I got sarcastic. I suggested that I write about flying to a different city every weekend to fuck a different writer. It would be so poetic, me being both the common thread between everyone and their eventual heart-wrenching downfall. He either didn’t pick up on my facetiousness, or he just didn’t care. Thinking about how my work would affect my partnership saddened me, though.

The saddest part is that there is a boy next door. Well, sort of. Rephrase: there’s a boy. And I like him. A lot. He makes me laugh constantly. He gets under my skin and pries into every aspect of my life, including my work. As much as that makes me want to scream sometimes, I also want to just curl up into him, and that is such a delicious feeling. I haven’t felt this in a long time. *Gasp* A hooker with a heart. I’ve never heard that one before.

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